Secrets
by chocolate3271
Summary: Rafael Barba has a secret that he managed to keep out of his work until one case may force him to reveal it.


It had been a long day for ADA Rafael Barba. The case he was working on was had him trying a 17 year old autistic boy for sexual assault. He knew as soon as he got the facts from Olivia the case was going to eat at him but he had a job to do. That morning he had presented at the sentencing hearing. The boy was released on his own recognisance to his parents. Barba knew he had a long road ahead of him as soon as the gavel dropped. He quickly packed up his things and headed out to the hallway. Olivia quickly caught up to him.

"Rafa." She says. "Are you okay"

"Yeah." He says adjusting his composure. "We have a good case."

The two walked down the hallway and out the door of the courthouse where they were met by a madhouse. Cameras were clicking. People were talking into mics. Two large groups of people had gathered on either side of the steps. Each group was yelling about what they thought was right. One side thought the boy was guilty and the other thought he couldn't be guilty. The debate had already escalated to horrible comments.

"That retard is responsible!" One yelled.

"He shouldn't be allowed to live!" Another yelled. "None of them should be allowed to breed!"

More and more of insults flew as the lieutenant and the ADA walked down the steps. The lieutenant noticed that the ADA was very quiet during this case. He had mostly kept to himself about it and seemed distant. She could clearly see as they heard more and more awful slurs that Barba seemed to be bothered by them. She knew anyone would be bothered by them but the ADA seemed to be taking them personally. She couldn't be sure but she thought she saw tears start to well in his eyes.

The two reached the bottom of steps, quickly muttering a good night Barba took off down the sidewalk before Olivia could ask what was wrong.

-SVU-

As Barba rushed down the street to get home he kept fighting the tears that threatened to spill.

"You're a grown man." He thinks to himself. "You got over these issues a long time ago. You will not cry in public. You are a man."

He moved so quickly that he nearly knocked over people. The thoughts those people said were awful and he could still hear them being shouted in his mind. He had kept his secret for a long time, he worked hard so that it didn't interfere with his work or most of his life. Now he here he was about to burst as he hurried down the street. Arriving at his building he said a quick hello to the door man and ran up the steps. Once reaching his floor he quickly unlocked his door and stepped inside.

Letting the door close behind him he couldn't hold back the tears anymore. One tear fell followed by another and they just kept coming. There was nothing he could do to stop them. Sliding down the door he sits on the floor and cried. He hadn't had a breakdown like this since he was in college and was learning how to get ahold of his emotions. Wanting to stop the tears that just kept coming he tried to remember the steps of calming down.

"Go to your happy place Rafael." he tells himself. "Go to the happy memory. Take yourself from here."

Letting his mind drift he goes into a happy memory. For some reason he couldn't understand the happy memory he chose was at a cheap pizza joint. He could see Olivia and the SVU squad there. They were celebrating Carisi passing the bar. The pizza place was Carisi's favorite. Carisi was sitting next to him telling bad jokes. He laughed a lot that night. Remembering how good he felt that night seemed to stop the tears. A knock on the door scared the living daylights out of him. Taking a deep breath he stands up and opens the door.

When he opened the door, he saw Carisi standing on the other side of it. A feeling of relief came over him when he saw the grey haired detective. Standing aside he let the other man in.

"Liv said that you were pretty upset after sentencing today." Carisi says. "I figured I would come and check on you."

Barba could only nod as they sat on the sofa.

"It must have been hard to hear all those things said about you." Carisi says careful of his wording. "I mean people who have autism."

Barba nearly fell off the sofa after hearing what Carisi said. He was sure no one else knew his secret.

"How did you know?" Barba asks.

"I'm a detective, counselor. I'm paid to notice things. I noticed some things about you and put the pieces together." Carisi explains.

"I was six." Barba starts. "I was not real fond of other kids. I preferred the company of my books. When it came time to interact with other people I was too afraid to talk so I didn't. When I did talk it was mostly to myself. My guidance counselor called it aspergers or high functioning autism. As I grew up I had to be taught social skills and how to be a part of the world. By the time I got into college I had found ways to control my emotions and keep them in check but I guess I brought some quirks into my adulthood. I always have to wear a three piece suit. I always sit on the same barstool. I have many yellow ties but this one is my favorite."

"You aren't any less of a person because of this." Carisi says. "You amaze me. You are the smartest guy I know. When you were letting me shadow you I learned more than I ever did out of a book."

Hearing this made Barba smile.

"Thank you Sonny." He says. "I think I need ru recuse myself from this case but I'm not sure how without telling the world about it."

"Maybe you won't have to." Carisi says. "Shortly after you left we got a witness statement."


End file.
